Highest Scoring Team ($15)
GOATHIVE
Coach Drew
171.75 pts
Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Curtis’s Bronco Coat
Coach Nick
Austin Ekeler - 36.4 pts
(Back to back weeks for Austin Ekeler)
What a weekend. In all honesty, I didn’t digest my usual amount of football this weekend, but I did witness a digestion and/or inhalation of a historic amount of bananas (23), cans of sardines and bags of tuna (an amount that TSA normally doesn’t allow through an airport), uncut and cut coffee (gallons), frozen vegetables (3 big bags), cigars (more than can be counted), and pairs of beers (as many as one fridge could swallow) by 8 people in a shared AirBnB in Phoenix over a 72 hour period.
This consumption, of course, was the result of nearly half the Iowa Fantasy League journeying to the god-forsaken wasteland that is the Sonoran Desert to celebrate the marriage of one of our own, Matt Brady, to the love of his life, Hailey. If you’re worried about the strange diet, cigars or alcohol consumption, don’t be, as it was all doctor approved and supervised. In fact, Dr. Herzog was responsible for almost the entirety of the disappearance of the copious amount of bananas, sardines and tuna, coffee, and frozen vegetables. Despite being out far too late each of the three nights we spent there, and getting far too little sleep, the doctor also had the gall to get up early each morning to run a few miles, a feat that I never imagined even a remote possibility for anyone in our station, and one that will never stop impressing me. The man is simply a machine.
Despite the heavy libations and practically lethal smells from all the tuna and sardines and a light smattering of drama that I cannot disclose here, IFL coaches Jordan, Jack, Ewoldt, Drew, Scallon and former IFL coach and current IFL personality Tony “Daddy” Reiter and your commissioner all made it to the wedding and the groomsmen were able to keep our end of the bargain.
The wedding, of course, was a beautiful thing to witness, as our lifelong friend Brady professed his love to his bride under the desert sun, and in return Brady got to witness a full unbuttoning of most of his groomsmen’s shirts and more importantly Ewoldt’s by the end of the night.
A big thanks to Matt and Hailey for all the coordination and meeting each other in the first place as you were responsible for a truly unforgettable time in that hot and lawless desert.
More importantly than all of that; however, is the fact that Brady won his IFL matchup this week against the Doc 102-92, largely due the Tufted Titmice’s Hines, Higgins, and Hockenson combining for 2.9 points. Brady moves to 3-2 and remains in a tie with Curtis in the CdS, who walloped Austin 140-84 for his highest score of the year; and falling out of that tie in the CdS is yours truly who dropped his third straight loss, losing 111-128 to the best dressed man in the country Sunday, Ewoldt, who moves to 4-1 on the season. The DADDY’S BOYS floundering while spending the entire weekend with DADDY is like drinking a scorching hot uncut coffee in the desert heat.
What does make me feel a little bit better though, is that Hunt’s streak is FINALLY over. THANK YOU DUNCAN. You are responsible for at last ending Hunt’s regular season win streak, beating him 122-87 this week, and capping the record at 17 straight. A record that will never be touched. Hunt falls to 4-1 and into a tie once again for the divisional lead in X-Iowa. Chris climbs to 2-3, and is now just two games back in the BSC.
Our other 4-0 team also faltered this weekend, and in spectacular fashion, as the Scallon Express went off the highway and crashed into a 150-year-old saguaro cactus, posting the 6th lowest score in IFL history, at 56.94 points. Likely due to just how handsome Drew looked in his all-black suit at the wedding, like literally attendees mistook him for being the groom, the GOATHIVE posted the highest scores of any team so far this season, with 171.75. That, folks, is the biggest blowout in IFL history, a margin of 113.84 points, finally edging out the Week 14 shellacking that Mb gave C’est la Vie Badassary in the final week of the 2014 regular season (212.50 - 100.40). Scallon falls to 4-1 and is now in a tie with the Badassmailman who picked up their 4th consecutive win, defeating Gotta Catch ‘Em All 127-105.
All in all it was a historic weekend on many fronts, and I count myself lucky to be witness and participant to some of the most intimate and epic moments of the league’s lives.
I’ll sign this recap off with a lyric from my favorite country singer Dierks Bentley:
Yeah, sippin’ on this Daddy cut coffee, never been this close to heaven
Drew’s got his pretty turned up to 11
Droppin’ ‘em dead on the dance floor
Somebody better call Jack the doctor
Ewoldt’s a little heart stopper
I’m talkin’ breaker breaker one niner
Jord’s a flatliner
The Boy Scout Cyclones separate themselves a little further as the Cul-de-Sack tries to claw their way back into it.
Chris has another perfect week and is looking to run away with this year’s pick ‘em contest.
