Highest Scoring Team ($15)
The Groovers
Coach Hunt
140.88 pts
Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Christian McCaffrey
Coach Austin (2nd time this season)
CMC - 42.7 pts
For the first time in our 8-team playoff format, all four division winners move on to the semifinals. This was something that happened only 3 times in the 7 seasons of the 6-team playoffs, and in that format the top 2 seeds got byes, so I would imagine this will be a fairly rare occurrence.
Qualley, who selected his opponent this week based less on strength and more on avenging the gentlemen’s club chaired by Mr. Scallon, took care of business and restored the good name of the Scallon Express by wiping the floor of the perpetually overhyped Ewoldt and the Course Rangers 118-83. The depth of the DSM Football Team shown through for the opening foray of the playoffs, as though they were without beloved rookie Tank Dell or bellcow Josh Jacobs, the Sun God did Sun God things and they got excellent production from their kicker and defense. Qualley’s confidence also was apparent as he coached remotely from the hottest nightclubs Medellin has to offer:
Our other 10-4 team, Hunt’s Groovers had a bit more of a fight in their opener, as it had appeared Austin and Goffpocalypse was going to run away the game thanks to a forty-burger from CMC, and Hunt had something like a 15% chance of winning with one quarter to play in the late afternoon slate of games. Hunt’s unlikely hero was actually not even rostered, as it would turn out, as I watched in horror as my very own Sam Howell would be benched against the Rams, down 7-28 with 10 minutes to go, in favor of none other than Tom Brady protegee Jacoby Jajuan Brissett. Jacoby was a lightning rod for the Commanders, who would throw on back-to-back drives absolute bombs to Scary Terry McLaurin, one of which would score a touchdown, and that coupled with Austin’s Kyler Murray throwing a pick and a 43-yard field goal from Jake Moody would be a net point swing of 30 points in favor of Hunt.
This point swing completely changed the trajectory of the game, as the Groovers would finish their effort with 140.88 points. Austin would need a combined 30 points from Etienne and Devonta Smith in SNF and MNF, but they both came up short, and the Groovers would move on from this absolute slobberknocker 141-129. Ironically, Coach Austin may have sealed his own fate, as he benched his namesake captain Jared Goff, who outscored his replacement by 20+ points, which would have been the difference. Goffpocalypse could not champion their own doomsday hero and aptly, paid the price.
Austin’s brother Jord-o would share his fate this weekend, though his trademark Rams stack didn’t exactly fail this week, they were no match against the scary consistent No Nonsense Nelson. Averaging now the 3rd most points in the league, Aaron also has the most consistently high scoring team in the league, and that makes them formidable if your team isn’t on their A-game. Jord’s downfall in the end, may have been his lack of RB talent, as his #2 RB, D’onta Foreman, would post -0.6 pt statline, and the Shirt Brothers would lose 102-114.
Like iron sharpening iron, Nick wanted his quarterfinal matchup to be Cul-de-Sack rival Dierks’ Heathens. Just like the imaginary steel cage we fought in Jane’s backyard, only with very real punching, there can only be one, and for this bout, Nick won by knockout. I knew quite well what direction the game would head when I sat through Tony “Daddy” Reiter’s Christmas party Saturday and pretended to not be dead inside as Sam LaPorta caught not one, not two, but three freaking touchdown passes against the clearly idiotic Broncos defense. My suspicion would be proven right as my #1 overall draft pick Bijan Robinson would get just 8 touches in the sloppy Carolina rain and post his statline of -0.6 points. So I don’t know what’s worse Jord - your #2 RB being a waiver wire add on the Bears scoring -0.6 points or the 5th overall draft pick in the IFL scoring -0.6 points, but either way Arthur Smith needs to be “sent up north to live a long, fulfilling life on a farm where he definitely won’t be murdered or anything”. Nick would win 128-97 and move on the semifinals for his first time since 2020. I’m rooting for you, pal.
No, your eyes do not deceive you - every single underdog in the Consolation Playoffs won, something that I’m certain has never happened. Also amazingly, all games were within 6 points. So the “better teams” get flushed to the toilet bowl and the “worse teams” move on to continue their fight for improved draft odds for 2024.
PICK ‘EM
Chris fumbles during the first week of playoff pick ‘em, and Qualley is once again on top! Jack and Jesse also gain some ground.
