Rivalry Week

The Iowa Fantasy League’s third ever rivalry week is here. Winners of their respective rivalry will receive $10 FAAB.

Let’s take a look at the matchups:

Pineview Legends

If you want to have the GOAT conversation regarding the athletes that have graced the hallowed grounds of Pineview Elementary School, then Nelson and Duncan are certainly the main two contenders. Aaron, of course, came out of the womb faster than any of us ever were as adults and was a cheat code in basketball or football; but Chris was a literal mini-Roethlisberger in pickup, with a jaw-dropping cannon for an arm, which pretty much cemented him as all-time QB but his supple hands also made him a bruising tight end.

Chris leads this series 7 to 2, and his hoping to parlay that dominance into an upset this year against the #2 power-ranked Nelson.

Richard Bros

How can you compete against little brother? No matter what they do, they’re always beloved. In Jord’s case, it’s really tough. Austin’s got a better beard, better Photoshop skills, and a greater appreciation for good names, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Jord will always have experience on his side, looks GOOD in a tank, and has recently forged himself into a superior golfer, though that could change if Austin got some properly fitted clubs, and being an IFL veteran goes a long ways, something that Austin will need to earn in time.

Joining the league in 2020, Austin has only ever met Jord thrice in the IFL, a matchup which Jord has won every time. Austin needs to get his first victory over big bro here to stay competitive in Papa Jord’s division.

Jane’s basement

It’s impossible to quantify just how much time the town of Iowa Falls has spent in Jane Hansen’s basement, and the all-time leaders list is one that would shock you, like even cracking the top 25 would have required months of your life, but Curtis is certainly at the top of the heap. This is not an exaggeration: for a multi-year stretch late junior high into high school Curtis spent more time than Nick did in his own mother’s basement all while technically not living there. If you had to measure the quantity of Jane’s pop that Curtis has drank in his lifetime, your unit would have to be olympic-sized swimming pools. Some people adopted Jane’s basement, but Curtis was born in it, molded by it.

This is one the IFL’s two most storied rivalries, as these two Cul-de-Sack foes have had 13 meetings, and Curtis leads 9 to 4. Curtis has won four in a row and Nick hasn’t won since 2019. Personally, I’m rooting for Nick here to snap his 0-7 start and keep Curtis off my back in the Cul-de-Sack.

CYCLONES VS HAWKEYES

“Scallon is the most sensible person I know. Despite being one of the biggest Cyclone fans in the country, he always holds himself to reason, and will adhere to the laws of reason. TC is beyond a stan of the Hawkeyes, he is closer to a religious zealot or a freedom fighter, who will hear no slander against anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Hawkeyes, and will respond vulgarly and violently if he does. Unfortunately for Scallon, the battle between logic and blind passion is one that can’t really be won. Like how in reality the Cyclones beat the Hawkeyes this season, but in TC’s personal record book, they did not.”

That portion was written originally in 2022, and amazingly, after the Cyclones have now beaten the Hawks 2 out of 3 seasons, TC’s zealoutness has began to show signs of cracks, complimenting ISU on their season at multiple points this YEAR. I don’t know if that means the world is ending or healing, but it’s a trend I am sure cannot last.

TC has dominated this matchup, winning all seven of their meetings, so Scallon is looking to get on the board for the first time this season.

most interesting
men in the world

Cuba imports cigars from them.
Mosquitos refuse to bite them purely out of respect.
In museums, they are allowed to touch the art.
Even their enemies list them as their emergency contact number.
They bowl overhand.
They can identify UFOs.
They gave their fathers “the talk”.
They once went to a pyschic to warn the psychic.

They’re polymaths, Renaissance men, Übermensch. Jack, the doctor, the scholar, the philosopher, father, runner, mustard/tuna/sardine connoisseur. Qualley, the auditor, the patron, the cosmopolitan, husband, runner, hunter/hiker/fishermen. Only one of them can win their respective rivalry, but they’ll both walk away better for it.

Qualley leads this series 4-2, and both coaches are looking to build upon their winning records this season.

iowa falls transplants

This rivalry, which could easily also be named the Smokeshow Shootout, as these two are obvious heavyweights in the Hottest Coaches in the IFL rankings, instead is a reference to their adopted status into the Iowa Falls class of 2010. Ewoldt, of course, being an Alden native, arrived at the height of junior high puberty and nerves, but was quickly beloved due to his natural coolness, and skater hair. Jesse arrived at the same time as the Aldenites (if memory serves), and everyone just assumed, he too was from Alden, even though he came from god knows where, and his upbeat personality and upbeat hair won us all over in short order.

This rivalry is tied for being the most storied with Nick/Curtis, aving met each other 13 times, with Ewoldt leads the series 7 to 6. Jesse has won three straight regular season meetings. Ewoldt has shot up to #1 in the power rankings this week and Jesse will look to try to pull off the upset with his injury-riddles squad.

BACHELOR PARTY ABSENTEES

A friendship as old as time. One forged by being mutually manhandled by Rick and mutually loved by Becky. A storied friendship filled with fishing, terrible bands, and Halo. A friendship frayed by Brady’s moving to the desert, but one that persevered anyway, and still landed Brady as a groomsmen at Drew’s wedding. Drew’s bachelor party was optional for Brady, as he lived 1,500 miles away, but his absence was a scar that never faded on Drew’s psyche, a hurt that he would hold onto for four hard years. For when Brady’s bachelor party was explicitly scheduled in close proximity to Drew’s residence, as he was a groomsmen after all, Drew cashed in on his long held grudge, and returned the favor, no showing Brady’s multi-day celebration. Sometimes the best of rivalries were once the best of friendships.

Brady leads this series 6-4, having won it three times running. Drew last won this matchup in 2018. Both teams are on the verge of mediocrity, and are trying to keep their heads above water at 3-4 on the season.

FAILED MATHEMATICIANS

Everyone loves Good Will Hunting, but would the masses have loved Bad Tanner Hunting? The one where the mathematical genius doesn’t live up to his potential of making the world a better place by the power of math? Maybe that isn’t actually how Good Will Hunting ended, but I always viewed it was somewhat implied. Whatever the case, neither Hunt nor myself pursued our mathematical talents beyond academia, much to the chagrin of Miss Steiner and her greatest aspirations for us. Though she was as much our intellectual mentor as she was our spiritual cheerleader, and ultimately I like to think that Tanner and I’s pursuit of happiness is as worthy of cause as any. And maybe that’s how Good Will Hunting really ended. 🍎

The Commish’ leads this series 4-3, with Hunt winning last season. Hunt just endured a major blow in losing Chris Godwin for the season, but the Commish’ entire WR corp is indefinitely questionable so who knows what kind of team he can field.

Week 7 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
ALL-TIME D
Coach Brady
145.56 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
DSM Football Team
Coach Qualley
Lamar Jackson - 34.94 pts

The battle between IFL youngsters TC and Qualley was an absolute barn burner, as our Game of the Week did not disappoint! Qualley was down 81.76 - 111.15 heading into last night’s double header and his trio of Lamar, Zay Flowers, and Bucky Irving put up 57 points, an amount that any sane man would have thought was enough to pull of the comeback, but TC’s lone defense, Rachaad White had other ideas, and put up JUST enough, 28.1 points to sneak out the 139.25 - 138.65 victory. It’s the slimmest margin of victory by a team this season, and the first time the margin has been under a point this season as well. Both teams move to 4-3, and puts them into a 3-way tie for first in Papa Jord’s.

The third member of that trio, Jord, would also get a win this week, but his was a bit grittier. Despite having three players knocked out of their respective games, Jord and the Control Room would grind their way to 87 points and it would be enough to handle business against Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat, whose only mustered a season-low 66 points. Nick had four players post less than 5 points, and its safe to say his team has hit rock bottom. One can only hope that rivalry week will rejuvenate his squad next week.

Not to be outdone, Nick’s rival Curtis, actually one-upped Nick by going EVEN LOWER, and scoring a league-low for the season 61.59 points in his matchup against Jack, whose 70.42 pts were all the Doc would need to pick up his 5th win of the season. The matchup was the lowest combined score of any game this season, with the Jord / Nick matchup being the runner-up. Not surprisingly it’s the lowest-scoring week of the season overall.

With Jack now 5-2, the X-IA division as a whole deserves praise and analysis, as every team in it would get a win this week. Hunt would crush Austin 133-96, getting his 6th consecutive win. Jesse would wallop Chris 112-70, and get his 4th straight. And Ewoldt would handle business against Drew 120-102, ending his three game slide. All four teams have a winning record, combined for 19-9 on the season. All four teams are all in the top 7 for scoring on the season as well. It’s a pretty dominant start to the season and will be fascinating to see how the second half unfolds.

Elsewhere Brady and ALL-TIME D appear to get things back on track after FridgeGate™, with AJ Brown back healthy and Mark Andrews starting to get HOT, his boys post a league-high 146 points and wipe the board with the Scallon Express who only mustered 81 points. It’s crazy because you look at his team, and almost every player is completely washed and yet the unquantifiable x-factor - heart - carries the day. If his team can keep up the Friday Night Lights level of inspo, the very gettable X-IA division could be his.

X-IA extends their lead again, now to an impressive 42 games. Still half the season to go, but only two years in history has a division ever finished with a greater lead, so definitely something to monitor.

Jesse has the best week of any picker, and gets within 3 of your Commish’.

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The Commissioner

Week 6 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
Dade County Dirtballs
Coach Drew
133.8 pts (lowest weekly high thus far this season)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt
Chris Godwin - 34.3 pts

Week 6 was our most competitive since Week 1, with 4 of the 8 games being won by 10 points or less, and our Game of the Week led the charge. Jack was down 104-108 to Jesse heading into the Jets/Bills game last night, and projected to win by 5 points, with Josh Allen and Tyler Bass. In Jesse’s defense, the caged phenom Garrett Wilson. The pair of Allen and Bass would hit their projections, but despite having just two 20+ point games in his last 27 appearances, Garrett Wilson would drop 25 points on Tuna with Spicy Mustard, and the Aspen Dummies would pull off the unlikely victory. Incredibly, Jesse has clawed his way back to .500 after his 0-3 start, and he snaps Jack’s 3-game winning streak. It’s a huge win too in the sense that it keeps him competitive in the dangerous X-IA division, particularly as Hunt would clean up Ewoldt this week 124-101, and climb to 5-1, a league best record. Hunt has now won five straight games, after losing week 1. The Doc took his loss to Jesse pretty hard, as he never got over the many betrayals of Jesse’s South American alliance in Risk all those years. Jack falls to 4-2, a game back from Hunt in X-IA.

Our other nailbiter this week between Qualley and Brady turned out to be more of a nightmare for Brady. Brady, who was down 11 points heading into MNF, got the news that his 2nd-leading scorer James Cook would be out, and though he had rostered his backup Ty Johnson, he failed to do the FridgeCheck™. Although everyone else in the league knows and doesn’t need it explained, apparently Brady was not familiar, so I’m going to spell it out plainly here for him. The FridgeCheck™ is a foolproof method of picking the right backup RB to spring into action upon their starter being declared out whereby you simply look at the headshots of the RBs on the depth chart and look to see which one looks like a refrigerator.

As you can see, Ray Davis is a refrigerator, and Ty Johnson is just a regular human football player. So naturally, by failing to adhere to this foolproof method, Brady’s Ty Johnson would score just 4.4 points last night, and Ray Davis would score 19.7 points. To add insult to injury, Drew picked up Ray “Refrigerator” Davis after Brady went with Ty “Regular Human Football Player” Johnson, and whether Drew’s voodoo had a hand in James Cook’ injury remains to be seen. After this blunder, Brady would fall to 2-4, and Qualley’s Des Moines Football Team would climb to 4-2.

Nothing ever seems definite with a TE, Drew needed just 5 points last night from Dalton Kincaid to knock off TC, and he would get a dozen, positioning both Drew and TC at 3-3 on the season. TC’s loss means that Qualley now has the sole lead of the Papa Jord’s division, one game up on TC and Jord, who would also win this week, putting some calm back into the Control Room, knocking off Chris 125-108.

Elsewhere, the Scallon Express, like the Aspen Dummies, would pick up their 3rd straight win after starting the season 0-3, getting over on Nick and Curtis’ Bronco Coat 116-91. Scallon and Jesse both out here representing hope, in a often dark and cruel world. Nick sorely needs some of that hope, as he now owns the worst all-play record through 6 weeks in IFL history at 6-84. In his defense, he did have some nasty buys to muddle through this week, but it may be a bit of a re-build for our 2023 champ. The Scallon Express remains competitive in the Boy Scout Cylones division, but remains a game back on No Nonsense Nelson, who would pick up a win over Curtis 128-92.

The CdS falls even further behind, as the rest of the divisions maintain their positions.

Your commish’ extends his lead to two games, going 10 for 11 over the last 3 weeks of pick ‘em.

The Commissioner

Week 5 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
THE GROOVERS
Coach Hunt
150.96 pts (lowest weekly high thus far this season)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Tuna with Spicy Mustard
Coach Jack
Ja’Marr Chase - 41.8 pts (highest by a weekly award winner this season. Juaan Jennings has the highest score on the season (45.75 pts) but didn’t win the weekly award.)

WOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE. That tuna IS spicy. Coach Jack blows the doors off Brady’s cozy little home he’d built in our Game of the Week, 141-110, thanks to a FORTY burger from Ja’Marr Chase. Tuna with Spicy Mustard wins their third straight game, and moves to 4-1. ALL-TIME D falls to 2-3, now having lost two straight, after a hot start to their season. They remain in the top 3 in all-play record; however, so we’ll follow their career with great interest.

At 4-1, Jack is in a tie for best record in the league with X-IA rival Hunt, who would one-up Jack in two ways this week. Hunt’s GROOVERS score 151 points in their smackdown of Chris’ Hey Darnold!, who mustered only 94, and have now won FOUR straight games. Hunt now has the highest scoring team in the league, just edging out Curtis, and regains the best all-play record through 5 weeks. Chris falls to 2-3, having lost three straight games, only bested by Nick, who has now fallen to 0-5 after losing again this week to the gentlemen scholar Qualley, 95-135. On the bright side for Nick, he did avoid having the worst all-play record of all time through 5 weeks, a record still held by Aaron who went 4-71 in 2018.

Qualley moves up to 3-2, and is in a share for the lead of Papa Jord’s with the TCU, who would comeback against PJ-ring leader Jord and the increasingly dire Control Room in MNF, winning 128-120 thanks to an impressive 20-deuce performance from the 29-year old Kareem Hunt, whose a Chief once again. Jord has now lost two in a row and just in a real freefall to the bottom of the league.

Another juicy MNF battle was between Scallon and Drew, and despite Drew’s dark magic, the Scallon Express and the Chiefs’ DST were able to clutch up, beating BRIAR’S HAUNTING CHORUS 136-127, and climb to 2-3, having won back to back games. Drew falls to 2-3, and with Aaron also losing this week and falling to 3-2, the Boy Scout Cyclone division remains a tossup.

The author of Aaron’s loss, Jesse and the Aspen Dummies, stood on business, winning 129-100. Jesse gets to 2-3, and now has been in the top 5 of scoring 4 out of 5 weeks this season, with the 5th best all-play record in the league at 44-31.

And making it a hat trick, Austin and McConkey Kong Country would also pick up the 2nd consecutive win this week, grinding one out against Curtis 104-87. With that, we have now went from a record four 0-3 teams, to three of those teams getting back-to-back wins, which makes the standings look a lot more competitive heading into Week 6.

In fact, we only have one clear division leader right now, the aforementioned No Nonsense Nelson, but every other division is in a tie, and even the Cul-de-Sack, which has Nick’s 0-5 team, he’s still only down 3 games, so certainly not out of contention whatsoever.

The CdS falters again, falling further behind, as X-IA posts another monster week, building its lead to 37.

Curtis and the Commish have a perfect week, along with the Pickers’ Consensus.

The Commissioner

Week 4 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ
Coach Curtis
170.01 pts (most by any team this season)

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron (3rd time in 4 weeks!)
Derrick Henry - 34.1 pts

The fantasy football gods are cruel and fickle.

-Albert Einstein

One moment you’re 2-0 and have the highest power-ranked team in the league. Riding so high with so many good WRs, that they’re leaking out of every orifice, and you trade one away to get the GOAT QB Patrick Mahomes. Two weeks later, you’re 2-2, as that very same GOAT ends the CAREER of your #1 player and WR Rashee Rice in the stupidest attempt at a tackle I’ve ever seen. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. It’s more like a silent, endless void I now find myself in. Just nothing but blackness… . . . . .

Anyway, my misfortune this week led to the Scallon Express getting their very first win of the season this week, beating Spawn of Satan 104-80, and that is something worth celebrating. Congrats, old friend!

As a matter of fact, among our IFL-record FOUR 0-3 teams, THREE of them added their first game to the win column, as A-Rich’s Kenneth Walker, and Younghoe Koo put up 54 points on Duncan, and won 118-87, and Jesse and the Aspen Dummies got 73 points from Baker, Conner, and Evans, to bury the TCU 125-97.

Our 2023 champ Nick; however, moved to 0-4, turning in a season-low 67.91 points against the Doc. Nick, has an all-play record of 3-57 through four weeks, is actually really impressive, if you think about it. Amazingly, it’s not the worst all-play through four weeks in IFL history, that record belongs to the 2021 Austin-led Snyder Cut, who had a 2-58 all-play record. And even more amazing, is the fact that the Snyder Cut would turn around and win their next fives games, turning in a 58-17 all-play record in weeks 5-9. Never quit, boys!

On the other end of the spectrum, Curtis, the IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ kicks Ewoldt off the course 170-108, the highest score by any team this season. It’s also the second time in three weeks Curtis has had the honor of highest scoring team, and it gives his team the highest average score in the league at 134 PPG. Curtis moves to 3-1 and is now in command of the Cul-de-Sack.

Trailing in scoring by 8 PPG, the next highest scoring team in the league, No Nonsense Nelson sends Brady to the cleaners 148-86, this time on the back of Derrick Henry. Incredibly, Nelson has won the weekly award for highest scoring player three times in four weeks, a truly unreal run. The all-time record is 5 on a season, so he has a shot. He moves to 3-1 and takes over the Boy Scout Cyclones.

The aforementioned Ewoldt loss means that no team made it to 4-0, and that’s a first since 2018. It also opens the door to the X-IA division, and the Doc and Hunt walk right through it with their victories this week. Hunt sent Jord and the Control Room into a frenzy, 128-95. Hunt has now won three straight, and is tied for the second best all-play record in the league at 41-19. The Control Room, marred by injuries, is getting desperate and the rumorous flames of its demise are swirling faster than they can be put out.

Enjoy the good times while they last, men, until you too join me in the darkness.

X-IA’s lead is cut to 22, as the BSC gets even. PJ has a strong week to tie things up at 3rd with the CdS.

TC and the Commish navigate a tricky week of pick ‘em to take share of the lead.

The Commissioner

Week 3 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
ALL-TIME D
Coach Brady
165.09 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron
Saquon Barkley - 34.1 pts (2nd time this season!)
(Brady’s Jauan Jennings scored 45.8 pts, but cannot win both weekly awards.)

Looking at what happened this week in the IFL, one thing stood out, and no it wasn’t getting 45 points hung on me by some guy who spells his name J-A-U-A-N but does not pronounce it at all like you would imagine, or the fact that Brady’s team scored the most points by any team this seasons as a result (165 pts), or that Brady is now 3-0 against me since joining the Cul-de-Sack, or that Brady’s team is now the highest scoring team in the league on the season.

It was the fact that there are now FOUR 0-3 coaches: Jesse, John, Austin, and Nick.

That is an IFL first, besting the previous record of three coaches having 0-3 starts which occurred three times before (2022, 2020, & 2019).

Now, one of those coaches, Jesse, had not seemed like the others through the first two weeks, narrowly losing his first two matchups while averaging top 5 in scoring, but the Aspen Dummies did their best to get him there in week 3, scoring a league low for the season, 68 points to Jord’s Control Room, whose margin of victory was the highest by any team this season. Jord has to be feeling pretty good, despite being without his pride and joy Cooper Kupp, his picks up another win to go to 2-1, and is currently the third highest scoring team in the league. History tells us one or more of our 0-3 coaches will turn it around, but it will take a herculean effort from Austin and Nick, who are averaging less than 90 PPG, and have a combined all-play record of 7-83. Nick’s a 2-time champ, and Austin has shown us roller-coaster tendencies before, so don’t be surprised when they do exactly that. Scallon finds himself somewhere in between Jesse and the Nick/Austin starts, having been hit with a couple significant injuries, but his WR trio of MHJr, London and Kirk looks promising and could be dangerous any given Sunday.

On the other end of the spectrum, Ewoldt and the Course Rangers, knock off my season-favorite Hey Darnold! 140-108, to improve to 3-0 for the THIRD CONSECUTIVE SEASON (and 4th out of 5 seasons). Mind you, he’s only made the playoffs once in his three previous 3-0 starts, as is the Hype Zone tradition, but it’s amazing he continues to pull it off, no matter how lightly or heavily his team is auto-drafted. Duncan falls to 2-1 with TEN other teams, a just nutty amount of winning-record teams, due to our record high 0-3 teams.

TC also fell to 2-1, despite nearly pulling off the unlikely comeback against Hunt last night in MNF, falling just short, 105-108. Despite the higher production from Jaylen Daniels, compared to Caleb Williams, TC may win his blockbuster trade with Jord purely for the Malik Nabers pickup, who has posted back-to-back near 30-burgers, and whose highlight reel from week 3 is pretty eye-popping:

The best news this week is that Drew lost, getting Belichick’d by the Doc, 129-107, who improves to 2-1. All is right in the world.

X-IA increases their lead to 34, as the Cul-de-Sack claws their way into third place, and just a game back from the Boy Scout Cyclones.

Last year’s pick ‘em champ Qualley posts a perfect week and moves up to the top of the leaderboard. You dropped this, king 👑

The Commissioner

Week 2 Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
IFL’s 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ
Coach Curtis
160.34 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
The Control Room
Coach Jord
David Achane - 30.0 pts
(Curtis’ Alvin Kamara scored 45.5 pts, but cannot win both weekly awards.)

Perhaps it’s recency bias, but in just two weeks there seems to have been an unreal amount of significant injuries. I went through every team, and it looks like the only coach to dodge any injury thus far is Chris. Take a look:

Zach - Jordan Love
Brady - AJ Brown, Keenan Allen
Nick - Pacheco
Aaron - Addison
John - Tua
TC - McCaffrey
Jord - Kupp
Qualley - Ferguson
Austin - Puka, Kenneth Walker
Ewoldt - Deebo
Jack - Njoku
Jesse - Engram
Drew - Hollywood Brown
Hunt - Tee Higgins
Curtis - Mostert

Obviously some injuries are more significant than others, but I think the silver lining here is that the effect is pretty widespread, and able to be overcome.

Just look at TC. No CMC? Not a problem. Despite averaging just 93 points through 2 weeks (3rd lowest in the league), TC grinds out another win over rival 2-time champ Jack, 88-71. He may be biding his time right now with CMC, but he has two promising rookies in Brock Bowers and Malik Nabers, who combined for 50 points this week. Nabers had a ridonkulous 18 targets Sunday.

Jesse has to be pulling out his naturally spikey hair seeing TC’s low-scoring wins, as the Aspen Dummies lose ANOTHER heartbreaker, this time in our Game of the Week against Hunt, 119-122. He has lost his first two games by an average margin of 2.3 points. But the law of averages HAS to be on Jesse’s side, as he’s top 5 in scoring, standard deviation and all-play record, and that should translate to some wins in the coming weeks. The Dummies are a team to look out for, no doubt.

My favorite team this season, Chris’ Hey Darnold! came out on top in Week 2, despite declaring a loss after Scallon’s Marvin Harrison Jr’s 29 point 1st quarter performance. Amazingly, MHJr would get no more points after that, and Hey Darnold! would win 116-93, and improve to 2-0 for only the second time in team history. You’d have to go all the way back to 2016 to find the last time Chris accomplished that feat. This definitely won’t jinx it, but between the perfect start, and the clean bill of health his team has had thus far, I’m going to continue to state that this is Duncan’s year.

Drew’s infamous final kick was enough, as he knocked off XC rival Nelson, 105-96 on the back of Jalen Hurts, despite his TWO Carolina Panthers combining for just 11 points. It’s hard not to look at Nelson’s team and wonder if Anthony Richardson’s three interceptions and two fumbles had anything to do with it.

The Cul-de-Sack heats up this week, with two of their teams scoring in the top 3 of all teams this week, and those teams just so happened to play each other. Brady’s All-Time D was the beneficiary of an absolute slobberknocker from Curtis the 3-Peat Pick ‘Em Champ, who put up 160 to B’s 130. Curtis’ got 45 from Kamar, 28 from Nico Collins and 23 from JJets, just an absolute haul. Some solace for Brady, though, is that he got to see Kyler Murray absolutely ball out with a THIRTY BURGER in person in Glendale. He’ll have to manage his injuries of course, but his team is capable of scoring even in the absence of AJ Brown. Both coaches move to 1-1, and Curtis has to feel good about his week 2 turnaround, after scoring just 97 points in week 1.

The CdS makes up some ground thanks to Curtis, and X-IA maintains their healthy lead.

Tough week in pick ‘em, with Drew besting us all at 3 out of 4. Don’t expect him to keep that up. Shoutout to Jesse for being the only picker to get the MNQ right.

The Commissioner

Week 1 Recap

 

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
The Course Rangers
Coach Ewoldt
151.42 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Badassmailman
Coach Aaron
Saquon Barkley - 34.2 pts

Welcome back, gentlemen. Often with these posts, I interweave our personal lives and ongoings, and generally are a celebration thereof, but this week, we have cause to both celebrate and mourn, as our brother John was blessed with his second child but also lost his father late last week, a flummoxing emotional situation I can’t begin to comprehend, and our brother TC and my wife Ellen also lost their cousin. Fantasy football feels pretty silly at times like this, particularly writing a weekly recap about a fantasy football league, but if this provides even the briefest escape from the struggles of our real lives or even the smallest bit of joy, then maybe it’s not all in vain.

Now, onto this silly fantasy football league. As is tradition, Week 1 was pretty sloppy, but at least not without some scoring this year. In fact, the average fantasy team in Week 1 scored 111.3 points, compared to 98.08 last year.

As predicted, our Game of the Week was a Duncan landslide, despite Joe Burrow's anemic start to the season. Hey Darnold! crushed Drew’s Dumb Team 130-109, and yeah, I’m thinking this is Duncan’s year. So buckle up, Boy Scout Cyclones!

Week 1 was also not shy about hitting us with our first nailbiter either, as Jesse’s Aspen Dummies were relying on the hands of Garrett Wilson to lead his comeback over Qualley’s DSM Football Team, but alas, the Jet would come about 1.5 points short. Crazily, Garrett’s 12 points were almost entirely on the very first drive that the Jets scored, so it looked like Jesse would win handily, but Qualley’s defense stonewalled him after that. The Jets will play much easier defenses moving forward, so things still bode well for the Aspen Dummies, despite the loss in the opener.

The other MNF game to keep an eye on was the defensive grinder between TC and Austin, as McConkey Kong Country was relying on a decent game from George Kittle to pull off the comeback on the TCU, who learned just before kickoff they would be without their #1 overall pick CMC. But George’s four catches weren’t enough, and the TCU would move to 1-0. TC assures the press that his team will be fine, but with CMC’s health in question, and a bold trade with Jord where he gave away Jayden Daniels & Cooper Kupp (combined for 60 points this week) to receive Caleb Williams & Malik Nabers (combined for 18 points this week), you have to wonder what’s going on behind the scenes.

The beneficiary of the aforementioned trade thus far, Jord, has to be feeling good after having a disastrous draft in which all of his draft research staff, game theory professors and on-demand masseuses quit out of shame for how poorly it went, then to have them all be bailed out by GM Richie Rich, who may have made the trade of the season. Time will tell, of course, whether that trade will pay off, but for Jord, just having Cooper Kupp on his squad is a win for the Control Room. Though they would face off against a buzzsaw in Week 1, as the Course Rangers would put up a league high 151.42 points, hurdling the Control Room by 30 points. Ewoldt, riding the high of his recent engagement, starts off the season 1-0 with his “lightly” auto-drafted squad.

It’s good to be back, gents. Let’s get this thing rolling!

X-IA has a monster week, all scoring in the top 6; while conversely the Cul-de-Sack has an all-time bad week, all falling in the bottom 6.

Early doings in Pick ‘Em but the Commish’ has his perfect week tripped up by the MNQ, which only the reigning Pick ‘Em Champ Qualley got right, correctly envisioning Jesse would fall short.

The Commissioner

2024 Iowa Fantasy League Invitation

Dear IFL Coach,

If we had a trophy, we’d have to name it after him, and last year the metaphorical Hansen Trophy went back home to its namesake, Mr. Nick Hansen, who returned as the IFL’s champion for the second time, 9 years after he won the first one, in the very first season of the our league’s existence. Joining the elite ranks of our other two-times, Jack and TC, it feels a little different when its our forefather, and first-ballot IFL Hall of Famer, a man who is literally on the IFL Mount Rushmore. Every year, this invitation is a challenge to prevent a repeat, and this year I’m upping the ante - let’s make it another decade before Nick wins his third ring.

The 2024 draft order selection is underway, and if you didn’t catch it, here’s the draft lottery reveal video:

The buy-in is the same as last year’s, $60. With 16 owners, that makes the total prize pool $960. The 2024 payout structure will be as follows:

Place Awards
Champion = $342
Runner-Up = $70
3rd Place = $10
Division Winner = $28
Wild Card = $7
Season Awards
Pick 'Em Champ = $25
The Bounty = $20
Regular Season Champ = $15

Weekly Awards
Highest Scoring Team = $15
Highest Scoring Player = $7

The draft will start at 6:30 PM on Saturday August 24th.

Godspeed men.

The Commissioner



Superbowl Recap

Highest Scoring Team ($15)
No Nonsense Nelson
Coach Aaron (2nd time this season)
173.93 pts

Highest Scoring Player ($7)
Shirt Brothers
Coach Jord (3rd time this season)
CeeDee Lamb - 39.95 pts

 
 

So I left the above snap from Coach Qualley himself from last week, because though it wasn’t true for the semifinals, the reports may have been true for Iowa Fantasy League Superbowl X, as the Des Moines Football Team just didn’t have it.

The team that did - your 2023 Superbowl Champion - Nick Hansen and Curtis’ Bronco Coat. In fact, Nick kind of wiped the floor with Qualley, putting up 160.14 points and winning by a margin of 54.15. Nick’s squad fired on all cylinders, with his injured Jamar Chase being the only player to score less than 13 points, and unlikely RB heroes James Conner (drafted 4th round) and De’Von Achane (drafted 9th round) posted 29.8 points and 24.7 points respectively. Conner played just 12 games this season and Achane just 10 but they were RB14 and RB4 in terms of points per game and if that’s not strategic coaching than what is?

Nick entered the playoffs with just a 7-7 record, narrowly winning the historically great Cul-de-Sack division, but posted three decisive victories in the playoffs, upping his PPG from 115.0 in the regular season to 137.9 PPG in the playoffs. The man just knew how to get hot at the right time.

Qualley had the opposite story. Losing Tank Dell in Week 13 didn’t stop the Des Moines Football Team from getting to his second consecutive Superbowl, a feat no coach has every accomplished, but it did perhaps foreshadow his demise. His #5 scorer Josh Jacobs would miss the entire playoffs with a quad injury and his #3 scorer on the season TJ Hockenson would tear his ACL in the semifinals. Even despite this, Qualley would be the favorite among experts and pick ‘em scholars, but come gametime, all but the Sun God Amon Ra St Brown and his kicker would disappoint. It’s a tough finish for the young coach, but perhaps third time’s a charm?

Ol’ Saint Nick was our first ever champion, our Vince Lombardi, and in the Iowa Fantasy League’s tenth anniversary season, he gets his second ring, joining the two-time club with TC and the Doc. Congratulations, my good sir, on your well fought campaign. Enjoy the spoils of your victory.

The Consolation Championship was a bit closer than our Superbowl, and TC made the bold decision to start Justin Fields versus a good Atlanta defense instead of CJ Stroud against a questionable Tennessee defense, and that decision was the difference, as in what may have been Justin Fields final game as a Bear, he put up 25.72 points and will send TC into 2024 with the best draft odds in the league, beating Drew’s horrifically bad team 107-103.

When Brady’s team was drafted by Hailey based on hotness of the players, I assumed he would end up in the Toilet Bowl and felt pretty vindicated when he started off 0-2. But then he beat Dierks’ Heathens in Week 3. And he would win 4 of the following 6 games to climb to 5-4, which was a truly shocking thing to witness. However, he would finish the season 2-3 after losing his chief hotty Joe Burrow and narrowly miss the playoffs, and then proceed to lose game after game in the Tournament to Not Be Last, winding up against the Scallon Express, whose story this season could not be more the opposite of Brady’s. Scallon started off this season 5-1, and after making, what seemed at the time, the most lopsided trade in IFL history, seemed like a forgone conclusion that the Express would run away with the championship this season. But alas, the fantasy gods are cruel and unusual in their punishment and the receiving end of his lopsided trade, Deebo Samuel would promptly get hurt and the Express would lose 7 of their last 8 games including 6 consecutive games to wind up in the exact spot that Brady was here in the Toilet Bowl. And wow - did it come down to the wire. In the end, the Scallon Express helped deliver us the ending I most suspected for Brady this season, winning a nailbiter 105.98 - 104.18, and etching Brady in the annals of IFL lore, as the third-ever two-time IFL Loser of the Year.

PICK ‘EM

Qualley may have lost the Superbowl again but he clutched up in Pick ‘Em, winning his first pick ‘em title, knocking off the reigning champ Chris, who came in second.

The Commissioner

Iowa Fantasy League
16 member league

Champions to Date
2022 - Curtis
2021 - TC
2020 - Jack
2019 - TC
2018 - Drew
2017 - Jack
2016 - Matt
2015 - Zach
2014 - Nick
 

Season Awards
Champion: $342
Runner-Up: $70
3rd Place: $10
Regular Season Champ: $15
Division Winner: $28
Wild Card: $7
Pick 'Em Champ: $25

Weekly Awards
Highest Scoring Team = $15
Highest Scoring Player = $7